Sean's First Guest Post

Sean was so jealous of my blogging that he wanted to post himself.

Here is the first of many (I hope):

If there is one person on the planet that I would trade jobs with, it would be Bill Simmons (The Sports Guy from ESPN.com). Hell, I’d just be happy to enter his little friend circle and get an occasional mention in a column. Besides the obvious of having a job writing a sport column, being from Boston, etc, there is something strangely appealing about knowing that your writings are often read over the few moments of people’s work day that they have to themselves – breaks, lunch, slack time, etc. However, this does mean that often the columns would be read during bathroom breaks. Topic change.

One of the coolest things I think Bill’s done is to have his wife write guest columns about whatever she wants (no editing allowed). These are usually hilarious and also show the back and forth between the two as a couple. It makes them seem real.

So, in my mission to copy everything Sports Guy, I’ve lobbied for and been approved to guest write an occasional blog post. We’ll see about full editorial approval after a few posts.

For this first post I’ll follow Shannon’s lead and list my first impressions (positive and negative)

Positive Australia First Impressions

• Australia overall feels like a less annoying version of California. Melbourne = San Francisco, Sydney = LA. However, you get to take away the LA focus on wealth and looks, and there are less hipsters than San Fran. There are a good amount of fixed gear bikes, and skinny jeans on guys are still popular over here. Sigh.

• Australians sense of humor is the perfect mix of self deprecating and biting. Also, it feels like once you have proven to an Australian that you don’t take yourself too seriously and can handle some good natured give and take, you have a “mate”. There is none of the wall that you need to break down with people in the US when first introduced or working together.

• Today at the breakfast place down the street we had the same waitress that we had last Saturday. When she came out to give us menus she asked “So how are you settling in at the apartment? Are you enjoying Melbourne?”. Shannon and I looked at each other in disbelief. The waitress remembered us, and not only that, remembered details about our conversation last week and asked how we were doing. We’ve eaten at the same 5-6 places in Waltham for 5 years and I don’t think we’ve ever had anyone even pretend to recognize us. Just another example of the next point:

• Australians are focused on community. At the little downtown near our apartment there is a butcher, baker, deli, fish market, and grocer. All mom and pop stores. Australians WANT this. They want the sense of community that we pretend is dead and never coming back in the US. Even the supermarket and big liquor mart staff have that personal touch.

• The focus on healthy living, through fitness and food, is a model that we need to bring back to the US. It’s just not acceptable to have overly processed, hormone injected, caged, or engineered food. In terms of fitness, almost everyone has some outdoor hobby that just so happens to be a great work out. Gym’s are far and few between. Treadmills are basically laughed at, because why would you run on one of those when there is so much beautiful scenery outside? When I drive into work at 6:30am the streets are packed with people on road bikes, people walking dogs, and people running.

• Driving on the other side of the road is terrifying for the first 10 right and left turns, but then it becomes natural. They have this crazy move in Melbourne called a hook turn that I am particularly fond of. When you want to make a right turn in downtown, you pull into the far left lane on the road, basically in the cross walk of the perpendicular road, and you wait there to turn right. This is so you don’t block the trolleys in the middle lanes. Wiki article about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hook_turn

• Australians are car freaks, and there is basically a religion around Holden, the Australian arm of GM. Right now I’m driving a Holden Cruze, and I have to say it’s a sweet car. The Pontiac GTO, and the new Camaro, were designed in Australia before being sold in the US.

• Australian bacon: This is like no bacon you have ever tasted. It’s a combination of the best attributes of Canadian bacon (big pieces, not too much gristle) with the best of American bacon (saltier than Canadian bacon, crispy, apple or other hardwood smoked). They have this sandwich most places called a BLAT - Bacon Lettuce Avocado and Tomato – and they serve it on toasted Turkish bread with tomato relish and sometimes with a fried egg. If I could eat only one thing for the rest of my life it would be a BLAT (add egg for breakfast, remove for lunch and dinner)

• We have a backyard and I can grill. I drive back from work dreaming of the smell.

Negative Australia First Impressions:

Here we go:

• Australian consumer culture is amazingly familiar, but occasionally you will be thrown for a loop and it just doesn’t compute. For one, everything is quoted and paid weekly. Yes. Your rent is paid weekly. You would think given the distance of this place from everything else you could trust someone to bill monthly, but then again we’re not dealing with a country of free settlers are we.

• Australian internet and mobile companies are a total and complete joke. The internet at our temp apartment is ~20 USD per day and has a download limit of 200MB. That is not a typo. If you buy more days in a bundle, you get even less. A 30 day pass for ~150 USD allows you 1.5GB of download for the 30 days. If I watch the highlights or a Sox game per day I’d be over the limit. I got a Telstra blackberry from work and it refuses to connect to our work blackberry server and won’t allow any of the apps that my ancient blackberry could run to run. I’ve been on the phone with Telstra 5 times and no one can help me. All I get is “No worries mate!” – speaking of which:

• I am convinced that “No Worries Mate” does not actually mean: “Do not worry about this topic/problem my friend, I will take care of it/it is not an issue”. I think it actually means: “I honestly don’t care about your problem or request. I am also calling you mate like a mechanic or carpenter calls you chief or boss”. The next time I hear “No Worries Mate” when someone doesn’t help me or says that as a reaction to my wanting to know why a schedule has slipped I am going to say: “Actually, the only reason we are having this conversation is because I have worries, and you are not my friend”. I should make lots of Australian friends that way.

• Australian rules football baffles me, but I will understand it and grow to enjoy it

• Beer is maddeningly expensive. Every time I see beer prices I want to scream. When I tell Australians about the beer prices in the US they are baffled. For example: A 24 pack of Corona at a liquor distributor is 45 dollars. A 24 pack of local bud equivalent is 36 dollars. A six pack of anything decent is at least 20 dollars. I can’t even write these prices without saying them out loud like this “20 DOLLARS!?!?!?!” . We went to the Queen Victory Market today and there was a microbrew stand that had some great looking mircobrews. Yeah, until you realize that they are asking for 35 DOLLARS A SIX PACK!! I had to just turn around and walk away

• There are traffic cameras everywhere. They have no mercy either. If you are in the intersection at all as the light turns red, even if you couldn’t have stopped safely, too bad. If you are going 4km per hour over the limit, you get a ticket mailed to you. If you are going 20km per hour over the speed limit THEY TAKE YOUR LICENSE AWAY! Big Brother is Watching

• Finally, not having Brady in the house, and seeing him in Quarantine, is heartbreaking. I know he’s a dog and will be fine but it’s really hard. Luckily Shannon and I have each other to get us through our low points about it, and the quarantine is close to work so I can visit. Stay strong Brady. Cell block 3, Cell 120 I’m pouring some ridiculously expensive beer out for you.